Depression

………In my case it has zero to do with feeling sorry for myself. I am not sure depression is the right term, diagnosis, whatever. God is very good to me and I don’t deserve what I get. I take responsibility for all the bad and I give credit, thankfulness, and gratefulness to God for the good that comes my way. It is having to live with myself for the person I was and the people I hurt. I don’t cry for myself. My depression is not self pity, it is self hate. I I deserve it, I am not complaining, I accept it, I am accountable, I take responsibility, but it does not go away because you changed, there is irreversible damage, there are repercussions to our actions, consequences…..that is where I am at. Addiction and selfishness, “it’s all about me”. I want to help other people. That is the only thing that eases the pain. I am forgiven, but I don’t want to show up empty handed. An endless loop of memories of the sorry piece of crap I was plays continuously in my head. This site is like an anonymous journal or therapy for me.